Cream Philled

I saw the new Dr. Phil book about weight control on the shelf at Target. I'll admit, it had me curious. As a struggling lardlad, I decided to pick it up and briefly peruse it.

From my understanding, Dr. Phil is a straight shootin' sumbitch that will whip your sorry psyche into shape like some kind of Freudian ninja. Presumably, he hopes to do the same for your rather rotund buttocks. I read the inside of the dustcover and I feel like a got a good sense of the book. Now, for your benefit, I will summarize The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, so that you don't have to buy it:

Key One: You are a fat, fat fuck.

Key Two: Stop eating or kill yourself. You are in control.

Key Three: Losing weight takes time. Devote every moment of your life to being less of a fat fucking loser.

Key Four: Realize your "Personal Truth". For example, you are truly a fat fuck.

Key Five: Pay attention to where and when you eat. For instance, try to stop eating in your sleep, Gygantor.

Key Six: Break the cycle of overeating. If you are full, stop eating. If you are hungry, stop eating. If you are somewhere in between, try a Snickers!!

Key Seven: Eat Right. Work out.

*****

Dr. Phil, allow me to respond: I know I'm fat. The gist of every goddamned diet book on the planet comes down to two things - Eat better and exercise. I get that. The thing that bothers me isn't that I am overweight, it's the gnawing realization that assclowns such as yourself are getting rich by pointing out the obvious to people.

Please apply some sort of pulley and splint system to your genitals and go fuck yourself.

Comments

[lotus]

Dr. Phil needs to be slapped.

Did you know that his house is now on the official Beverly Hills tour of celebrity homes? Yes, he's the one laughing all the way to the bank. Him and that Harvard MBA who wrote the book about how to find a husband after age 35.

[jenB]

Tell me you didn't buy it. All diet programs, books, gurus, are hoaxes man. Perhaps you could market a version of Dr. Phil's book - a bumper sticker that says; "eat less and exercise you fat fuck".

[mf]

hee! jenb's bumper sticker makes me laugh. and so does your reader's digest condensation of dr. phil. have you considered an audio book edition of your blog? read by danny devito? just what DOES your literary agent do?

[Billy]

jenB hit Dr. Phil on the head -- Now that you have Dr. Phil's philosophy boiled down to one single idea, and I'm thinking you distilled the Ten Commandments a while back, it's time to go after the Four Noble Truths, no?

[nessa]

isn't Dr. Phil, himself, a fatty mcfaster? just keeping it "real"...

[Meg]

In response to Nessa---yes, he's also had a failed marriage, a failed business, and some investigation into whether or not he displayed a lack of ethics by hiring an expatient as his secretary and then possibly harassing her/having an affair. And this is just what I learned in 10min of E. Essentially someone's paying this pot to call the kettle black.

[Jules]

I have clapped so hard my hands fell off. Now I am merely clapping my bloddy stumps.

[Mia]

Only in America...

can someone become filthy rich by telling you exactly what they already know. For $27.99.

"you're overweight because you eat McDonalds three meals a day and you don't exercise. Here's my bill"

[~Mel]

Your summary was scathingly funny.

[Bloodthirsty Warmonger]

Thank you for doing such a good job of summing up Dr. Phil's book that now I don't have to be bothered with it. I spent too much time & money learning to accept myself for what I am, love handles at all. The last thing I need is for another *#%! diet book to derail my self-esteem.;)

[EV]

Dr. Phil sucks. Rachel what's-her-fuck from HBS sucks. You know who doesn't suck? You, CW. You don't suck.

Now go run a lap, you fat bastard.

[rev_matt]

"Please apply some sort of pulley and splint system to your genitals and go fuck yourself."

Man, that one there is a real keeper. I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!

[She-Dork]

Hey, CW, will you please start doing book reviews as a regular feature? The last time I was in Borders and saw all those books on display I said, "Fuck You, Dr. Phil." as I walked by. I hope he heard it somehow.

I forgot my rule about not drinking water while reading your blog.

I have to go get some towels now...

[Ed]

The last line was the funniest thing I have read or seen in months!

[Sehnsucht]

I like Dr. Phil and his book rocks.

[Javan]

OK, I have to say that the posts on here were pretty damn funny. lol. I was bustin up.

With that said, I disagree 100% with what was mostly said. I used to HATE Dr. Phil. I coudln't stand him. But, I personally realized that I didn't want to like him. I didn't want what he was saying to be true.

I find it funny, you took a few 'somewhat' true statements, and just ran with it, which brought you to, 'people get rich off of telling us what we already know.'

Since you didn't read the book, you also don't realize that aprox. 70%-90% of overweight people do it for emotional reasons. They are running from something hurting on an emotional level. Until you resolve or replace the pain causing factor, you won't lose weight and keep it off. It's the law of pain and pleasure. Everything we do is for a pay off. You could have just as easily taken the statements and explain why they were valid. I'd imagine you probably apply that same, 'going to not work' thinking with a lot circumstances. Possibily a reason you are overweight. And no, that wasn't meant to be a low blow.
If you are so convinced what he said in the 'summary' of his book is wrong, you must have some idea of what the real answer might be. Either two things are true. Either you know how to get the weight off and keep it off, and know he is wrong in his thinking (because you know the truth), OR you really don't have a clue as to what to do, and in that case you wouldn't be much of an 'expert' in dismissing ANY solution.
I want to know, what the hell DID you want or expect the book to say? Because it seems like you were a little let down. Did you want it to say, 'only eat at these times of the day, and the gravitational pull of the moon won't effect you as much, because that is really what is causing your body to store extra fat supply?'

Bottom line, I find it interesting how quick people are to prove any theory wrong, instead of trying to incorporate it and see if it works. If we spent half as much time as we do aruguing about who is right and who is wrong, toward making things WORK, we would be leaps and bounds ahead of where we are. I have always said, 'How about trying to make things work, instead of giving multiple reasons why it won't work?'

So, although I think you guys are hilarious, I want to say, I don't think you know a damn as to what you're really talking about.

Thanks ;-)

And if any of you want to debate me in my thinking, feel free to write me, because I have lots more to add.