Dull Knife

I’m back in Boston this week and things didn't start off on the right foot.

Traveling frequently allows me certain perks, such as upgraded service at the rental car company. I get a nice car and they drop me off right in front of my car. It's all very rockstar.

So, as I'm sitting in my car and getting comfortable (setting my radio stations, adjusting my seat and mirrors, removing my pants, hooking up the Auto-Erotik brand Road Sucker 5000), I find myself with my hands full. I am still sitting in my parking space, looking through the paperwork and getting out my driver's license to present to the gate attendant. I am nothing if not efficient.

I laid the paperwork on the seat next to me, so that it would be at the ready. I want NO DELAYS!! I still have my driver's license in hand, but I don't want it to impede my driving, for I am a responsible, caring, loving, diligent driver of automotive products.

So, I look for a safe, accessible place to put my driver's license for the 200 yard drive to the exit gate.

Maybe there, in the little cubby hole under the radio?

No, that's too hard to reach. I may throw out my back trying to bend that extra 5 degrees.

Maybe there, in the armrest storage area?

Nonono, that won't do. That would involve lifting and, again, the likelihood of severe spinal trauma.

Maybe there, in that little slot above the radio.

Hmmm, right in arms reach, perfect height, no risk of paralysis. It is ideal.

Sure, that little slot is normally for a CD and not, technically, a driver’s license, but I’m just gonna slip it in a quarter of an inch (a line I used a lot in college), so that it's readily available for me to hand to the attendant. I am brilliantly resourceful.

Except…

The moment I place the license in the slot, some kind of industrial-grade, electromagnetic clamping system grasps the card from my hand and a Briggs and Stratton turbine-powered motor inhales it into the CD player.

This is not good.

I just sit there staring at the CD player for a moment, unable to believe that it has bested me in this brief, lopsided, battle of wills.

And then I do what any right-thinking person would do: I begin to stab at the eject button like a crazed maniac.

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, COME ON, YOU COCKSUCKER!!!

At this point, the next logical step (in case it ever happens to you) is to punch the steering wheel repeatedly, as hard and fast as you can, chanting your personal mantra of peace. My mantra, of course, is “MOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKER!!!”.

I tried everything. I waited for a second, acting nonchalant, whistling to myself and then BAM! I hit the eject button. The sneak attack was unsuccessful. I tried sticking other foreign objects into the player, in an attempt to pry the license from its nest. No avail. I made an effort to coax it out with soft, kind words and promises of my undying love and devotion. Not happening.

I couldn’t leave the Avis lot, because I didn’t have a driver’s license. Not in my immediate possession, at least. I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell anyone or ask for help. I was already beginning to imagine the crowd of employees surrounding my car, asking questions.

“This moron did what now?”

“Tell me again, why exactly is the license in the CD player?”

“Is this the stupidest person we’ve ever rented to?”

“Is that an Auto-Erotik brand Road Sucker 5000?”

I was in a cold sweat as I was having visions of spending the night in this parking lot, because I’d tried everything I could think of to get that license.

I decided to calm down and approach this from a logical point of view. I must think like a CD player. I must know what it knows, feel what it feels and love what it loves. I needed to become a CD player. I opened my mouth and inserted my flat hand as I made a “Hrrmmmmmmmmmvvvvvtt” noise.

Yes…yes…I could…sense...that the CD player and I were...becoming as one. Kindred.

And I knew what must be done.

I must give the CD player what it most desires.

A ritual sacrifice.

I pulled a CD from my bag and prepared to insert it into the player, briefly thinking of the Avis employee that would no doubt say, “So you jammed a license in there and then you tried to shove a CD in too? Did ya try to stick your dick in at any point, ya pervert?”.

I hesitated. I didn’t really feel like trying to get a CD and a license out, but I was at my wit’s end.

In it went.

I pressed eject.

Out came the CD with the license on top.

The CD Gods had been appeased.

This may be the single most asinine thing I have ever done. But, in my defense, I did solve the problem myself.

I just hope nobody ever finds out about it.

[Cough]

Comments

[Kosmo J]

Brilliant! I would've tried something dumb like hooking up my Road Sucker to the front of the player.

That's awesome that the CD insertion worked. You're a brave, brave man putting that in there.

[inkgrrl]

I feel your pain - I rented a convertible Thunderbird for my vacation a few weeks back with a 6-CD in-dash thingamabob. At some point, in all the ecstasy of doing 100mph+ with bugs in my teeth along the Eastern Seaboard, I crammed more than one CD into a slot. Took about a half hour with my tac knife and the death of my Credence CD to get all of them back out. Sadness.

[lotus]

That is too funny. So here's the question - after all of that drama, were you able to relax fully enough to enjoy the Auto Erotik brand Road Sucker 5000 on your drive? I would imagine that it could take some serious concentration...

[meg]

You might be the funniest person I don't know

[IA]

I would have fled the country

[bryan]

this made me laugh out loud -- especially the part about waiting a few seconds and then pressing again. classic debugging technique.

[Miss Bliss]

ohhhhhhhhhh...it hurts, stop already...too much laughing and now all my coworkers want to know why. That may be one of the FUNNIEST CD player stories EVER.

[gimmy]

I pulled a CD from my bag and prepared to insert it into the player, briefly thinking of the Avis employee that would no doubt say, “So you jammed a license in there and then you tried to shove a CD in too? Did ya try to stick your dick in at any point, ya pervert?”.

That made me laugh so hard, I earned a stern look from my boss. If I get fired, it's your fault. Stop being so damned funny!

[EV]

My boss thinks I have my door closed because I'm trying to think hard for a writing assignment. Little does she know I'm snorting snot all over my keyboard, you funny monkey. But seriously, knowing myself as I do, I think I would have done the opposite-- gone straight to the Avis guys and said "oh my god, help me, I'm soooo stupid!"

[erika]

That was too funny! I spit my coffee all over my keyboard!

[dayment]

See us girls got it easy because I bet the Auto-Erotik brand Road Impaler 200x could have popped that sucker right outta there.

[Courtney]

omigod! That is so freaking hilarious! You are, like, soooooo funny!! I laughed out loud so long I began to think of laughing as some sort of cure for illness and then I Remembered that laughing is good for your mind and soul and so then I thought - I must read this man's blog more often!

[panajane]

You're a fucking genius. Seriously.
Also very funy.
Very. Funny.
Funny. Very.
Funny.
I'm sorry; I watched Kung Pow last night and it has taken over.

[ml]

that was hilarious...

[taiwanjason]

that is an excellent story.

[Scott-san]

That could be a comeback for years to come, eh? "Well, at least I didn't get my fuckin' driver's license stuck in a fuckin' CD player!"

Great story, though.

[rob]

Fuckin' A.

[Niki]

Love it love it love it.

[Jules]

There would have been a good twenty minutess of tears and forehead banging the steering wheel before I'd have shoved the CD in. Yet again, you are my hero.

[eurotrash]

That is hilarious. I feel your shame.

[Ethan]

Amidst all the stupidity I saw a vision of the future: Your own personal soundtrack to life programmed into your driver's licence.

[Billy]

Oh my god -- thank you. I needed the laugh on such a fucked up god awful day. Oh, I feel much better now.

[stacey]

too, too funny.

[snowshoe]

so smoooove!

p.s. why oh why do your comments never remember me when i ask them to?? :(

[scarlett]

you are an undiscovered einstein. every mother of a 2-year old should read this blog...for the comic relief and for a new solution for getting the things a toddler stuffs into the home cd-player/dvd-player. your technique may not retrieve french fries but it will retrieve the amex handily without having to unscrew the back of the player.